my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
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