I think i peed on brittanys purse
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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