I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
