Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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