There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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