I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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