I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
