it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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