Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
i think i have two assholes
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
