May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Randomize
