we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
