i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
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