i love accidental penises.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Randomize
