Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
