so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Randomize
