Who wears a wallet chain?!
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Randomize
