Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I have already put on my inside pants.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
