the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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