When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Randomize
