this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I am spending my child support on dildos
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
