Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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