I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Randomize
