I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
