we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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