Sober January is a disaster.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
