is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
