I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Randomize
