she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
