how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
