he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
