Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
