why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
