i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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