We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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