i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
