Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
