If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
