Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
