apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
