Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
are you so shy because you have an std?
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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