dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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