Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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