before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
