Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Couch. On fire.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
