Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
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