I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I was not drunk enough for that final.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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