I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize