i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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