remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
