So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
