smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
it's like heaven, but drunker
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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