he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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