fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
